Captain Cardboard and Amazing Holostar
by Aliane
Summary: Yet another love triangle... But with a twist...
1. Default Chapter

Alrighty then, people, this is my first attempt at writing something like this, so please be nice!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Georgie does. But if he ever finds out how much fun I had with these characters, he'd sue me, so let's keep it to ourselves...  
  
Mucho thanks to Saber, my wonderful bestest and beta!  
  
(J=Jaina, L=Leia, H=Han, CC= Captain Cardboard, AH=Amazing Holostar)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
J: Woe is me! Woe is me!  
  
L: Why, what is the matter, dearest daughter?  
  
J: Woe is me! I cannot choose between my lovers!  
  
H: Lovers?!?!  
  
J: Yes! Woe is me!  
  
L: And who might those lovers be, dearest daughter?  
  
J: They are. (fanfare) Captain Cardboard and the Amazing Holostar!!  
  
(J leaves)  
  
(H mutter intelligibly. The only discernible words are "kill" and "carbonite.")  
  
L: What was that, dearest husband?  
  
H: What do you mean, "dearest"? Are you implying that you have other husbands that are "dear" and "dearer?!  
  
L: Whatever do you mean? Just relax, dearest!  
  
H: (walks over to bar) You tell me you have seven other "dear" husbands tucked away in a closet on some backwater planet and my daughter has not one, but two lovers, and you expect me to be calm?!?!  
  
L: (wrings hands) Oh, dear.  
  
H: (sarcastically) He's not here now. Only "dearest" is. (takes a large gulp of whiskey) I (gulp) can't (gulp) believe (gulp) this (gulp) is (gulp) happening (gulp) to (gulp) me. (passes out)  
  
L: (wrings hands) Oh, dear.  
  
*************************  
  
(Scene opens with Jaina seated in the middle of the stage, her head bowed. Around her are starflower petals, and she is currently picking an entire bouquet to pieces.)  
  
J: Captain Cardboard. Amazing Holostar. Captain Cardboard. Amazing Holostar. Captain Cardboard.  
  
(Amazing Holostar, a.k.a. Kyp, bounds onto stage)  
  
AH: Wherefore art thou sittingst there so dejected, mine belovedst?  
  
J: Amazing Holostar! Oh, I love you. I just love your flamboyance, your grandiloquentness, your aptitude for using three hundred words when one will do.  
  
(J and AH kiss)  
  
J: Oh, you're so experienced. You're like the town speeder bike, everyone's had a ride. Oh.  
  
AH: Dost mine most extremely belovedst find my previous, aforementioned affairs of the organ which pumpest life's blood to the body. exciting?  
  
J: YES!!!  
  
(blond bimbo walks by, waggling her. apparatus. AH stares.)  
  
J: (jerks AH's head around) Amazing Holostar, look at me!  
  
(blond bimbo walks by, waggling her. apparatus. AH stares.)  
  
J: (jerks AH's head around) Amazing Holostar, look at me!  
  
(blond bimbo walks by, waggling her. apparatus. AH stares.)  
  
J: (jerks AH's head around) Amazing Holostar, look at me!  
  
(blond bimbo walks by, waggling her. apparatus. AH stares.)  
  
(J slaps AH's face)  
  
AH: (begins crying) Whatever was that (sniff) for, (sniff) belovedst? (sob)  
  
J: Oh, I'm sorry, Amazing Holostar! Here, let me kiss it and make it all better.  
  
AH: (whimper) Very well.  
  
(Captain Cardboard, a.k.a. Jag, calls from offstage)  
  
CC: Jai-na? Jai-na?  
  
J: *gasp* That's Captain Cardboard! Quickly, you must fly!  
  
AH: No! Not withoutst one last, fleeting, passionate, sweetest kiss from the lips of mine most, greatest, beautifullest belovedst!  
  
(J and AH kiss again. And again. And again.)  
  
J: *smothered giggle* Ooh, Amazing Holostar! Ooh! Stop! No. Don't stop!  
  
(Suddenly, Frankenstein-like footsteps are heard offstage)  
  
J: Fly, my love!  
  
AH: Wilt thou promisest to meetst thine one true love, me, Amazing Holostar, underneath yonder tall, dark, foreboding tree when the lunar mass is fullest, at the middle of the nocturnal cycle?  
  
(AH points dramatically off into the distance)  
  
J: Yes, yes, beloved, only fly!  
  
(AH bounds offstage, blowing wild kisses)  
  
J: Woe is me!  
  
(CC walks onto stage)  
  
CC: Good morn-ing Jai-na. Why are you sit-ting there?  
  
J: I was waiting for you, my love.  
  
CC: I love you.  
  
J: And I love you! Your stoicism, your robotlikeness, your mindless obedience. All of your attributes quite whip me up into a frenzy of passionate desire!  
  
CC: De-sire?  
  
J: Yes, desire!  
  
(J launches herself at CC and kisses him)  
  
CC: Why do you kiss my mouth?  
  
J: Because I want to, beloved!  
  
CC: Why not my fore-head?  
  
J: Don't you feel something when I kiss you like that?  
  
CC: Yes.  
  
J: What?  
  
CC: I feel diz-zy be-cause I can-not breathe.  
  
J: Oh, your obliviousness, naïveté, and innocence charm me!  
  
CC: Thank you. Will you meet me by that tree at mid-night?  
  
J: Of course, darling!  
  
(CC kisses J's forehead)  
  
CC: Good-bye Jai-na. I will see you at mid-night.  
  
(CC walks offstage. J sits down. J jumps up as she realizes what she has done.)  
  
J: Woe is me! Woe is me! They shall kill each other! Woe is me!  
  
(Curtain falls as J clutches her breast in agony)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
So... what did you think?? 


	2. Chapter 2

I can't believe I actually finished this... but here it is... (fanfare)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter Two  
  
(AH walks onstage towards the tree in the middle.)  
  
AH: (sighs) This nocturnal cycle all my dearest, fondest, wishiest, dreamiest, hopiest wishes, dreams, and hopes shalt come true. This nocturnal cycle, mine most, greatest, beautifullest belovedst shalt meetst me under yonder wooden object.  
  
(AH breaks into very bad rendition of "Come What May" with twisted lyrics)  
  
AH: (warbles) I will love you, until the day when I don't.  
  
(J runs onstage, spots AH, breathes in relief)  
  
J: My love, I am here!!  
  
(J and AH run towards each other and leap into the air and kiss)  
  
AH: My love is like the crimson saffron reproduction body of a plant.  
  
J: (giggle) You're so poetic! (cups hand to ear) Oh my goodness! I do believe I have heard some vague sound that requires my immediate and unwavering attention! I must fly!  
  
(J runs to other side of the tree where CC is waiting.)  
  
(AH is left standing alone, very, very confused.)  
  
AH: Mine most, greatest, beautifullest belovedst canst take flight? (shrug)  
  
(AH decides to serenade the moon.)  
  
A/N: I will not insert AH's serenade here, as it is much too painful even to write.  
  
(Camera pans back to J and CC)  
  
CC: Jai-na, I love you. (pecks J on forehead)  
  
J: And I love you, my stoic he-man!  
  
(J and CC kiss each other on the cheek)  
  
(CC stiffly gets to his knees and takes a velvet box out of his pocket)  
  
(J gasps in anticipation)  
  
CC: When I first saw you, you were bee. bay. pret-ty. E-ver since then, I wan-ted to ask you-  
  
J: (cuts off CC) YES!!!!!!  
  
CC: (looks suitably startled) This is what you look like ev-e-ry mor-ning? (looks suitably astonished as the first three-syllable word he has ever said leaves his lips.)  
  
(CC opens velvet box that is really a miniature holoprojector. A holo appears above the box. And not just any holo. It is a holo of Jaina at her. oh, how shall I put this. her worst. The absolute worst she ever looked.)  
  
J: (screams} AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(CC jumps, accidentally throwing box in a bush a suitable distance away. CC crawls after it.)  
  
(AH skips back onstage, plucking the petals off a starflower.)  
  
AH: Lalalalalalala didididididi dadadadadadada dedededededede dadadadadadada.  
  
J: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(AH stops skipping.)  
  
J: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(AH stops plucking petals.)  
  
J: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(AH stops "singing.")  
  
J: Thank you.  
  
AH: (confused) Couldn'st thou havest justest askest?  
  
J: (twirls hair coyly) But where's the fun in that?  
  
(Bushes where CC disappeared to rustle. J looks at it worriedly.)  
  
AH: Whatever makest that swisheth, swoosheth noiseth? I shalt sniffst, feelst, seest, hearst, or tastest until I chase out yonder monstrous horrific beastie that is frightening mine most, greatest, beautifullest belovedst!  
  
J: (panics) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  
  
(AH pauses as he bends down to pick up a toothpick with which to defend himself from "yonder monstrous horrific beastie.")  
  
AH: Wherefore art the disturbance, lovely lunar mass? Art thou (smirks) fearingst for mine safe travels? (Holds toothpick out on front of himself like a rapier.) I shalt. shalt. (trails off) (stares at Jaina's shocked face) Whatst is the matterest?  
  
J: (narrows eyes as she tries to put this and that together) Am I hearing things, or did you just call me a lunar mass? Am I fat? Am I not malnutritioned enough for you? (glances worriedly at her trim waistline) Here, give me that.  
  
(J grabs toothpick away from AH and puts it up to her thigh)  
  
J: (wails) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! It's finally happened!! I've lost my figure! I'm fatter than the toothpick! Look at this fat just hanging off of me! No!!!!!!!!!! How can I get rid of it???  
  
(J pulls out holoplanner as AH looks on, slackjawed.)  
  
J: (screams in frustration) I can't go on a diet since I already don't eat anything! Ummmm. Exercise? I run 1000 kilometers every morning, then 3000 every evening.  
  
AH: Mine most, greatest, beautifullest belovedst looks even more, greater, beautifuller, beloveder than as per normal output. I loveth you, not your gargantuan hips. Well, actually, I loveth your hips as well.  
  
(J throws her head back and shrieks, loud and long.)  
  
J: I can't find a way to diet!!!  
  
(AH slowly sidles towards the exit. Unfortunately, he misses the big red "EXIT" sign and stumbles instead into the restroom for the benefit of the female half of the crew. He is met first with shrieks then giggles as the girls realize just who has stumbled into the bathroom.)  
  
(J collapses with relief. J sits up again as she realizes CC has been privy to their entire conversation, including the parts where AH talks about loving all of her, including her hips.)  
  
A/N: AH knows about CC, but CC doesn't know about AH. AH believes that CC is J's "cousin." J is afraid to tell either one the truth for fear that they will do something drastic, as the male ego is the most fragile thing in the universe.  
  
(The bushes part, and CC emerges looking dazed.)  
  
J: (gasp) Oh, my love, I didn't mean it! He's an unwanted piranha beetle buzzing about me! He's a canyon slug! I hate him! I really do! I just can't do. (trails off as she notices CC is staring off into the distance, a deadly look on his face) Please. please don't kill him!  
  
CC: (cups hand over ear) (shouts) I can-not hear you. I must go find a Q- tip.  
  
(CC strides off into the sunset.)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
So... what did you think? 


End file.
